


Harder To Leave

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Immortality, M/M, Mortality, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-02 09:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12723765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alec thinks back on his time with Magnus and makes plans so he doesn't have to leave him.





	Harder To Leave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scarlettjabner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettjabner/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift for the lovely scarlettjabner; happy birthday honey! x

The first time Alec woke disoriented on Magnus’ couch after cocktails was when he probably should have realized it was the beginning of the rest of his life. He’d been gruff with him, immediately thrown up defenses and growled out words that he barely meant, to cover up the secret that was the way he was feeling. Scared of letting anyone see through to the reality that was _him_.

His eyes had lingered over soft brown ones crinkled up with a sweet, hopeful smile for him, down to necklaces against bare skin seen through the opening of his shirt. Alec had wanted to keep looking, fighting hard with himself about snatching his eyes away, and the moment when he found himself smiling at Magnus’ words about something in the air was when he’d bolted, fearful of what he might do next if he didn’t leave. It was hard to leave with the thought of kissing Magnus whispering at him on repeat, yet the consequences far too terrifying to allow him to stay.

And everything during the short period leading up to his wedding to Lydia was a series of tortuous moments when Alec didn’t want either one of them to go. Watching Magnus walk away from him after confessing his proposal, and every time they spoke in his apartment and Alec had been the one needing to leave, was agony. Alec had never been so torn as he was then for seeing the hurt on Magnus’ face, knowing both he was the one putting it there, and that if he gave in to the beautiful man before him and made him smile again, it was more for _himself_ than anything else. That he wanted something for himself, so very desperately, and couldn’t have it at all, was another agony he’d previously not known. It had kept him awake for hours, for _days_ , just imagining what living his truest self—with _Magnus_ —would be like.   

In fact, if it hadn’t been for his mother’s rage blazing down the aisle at him even from a distance on the day of that wedding, Alec was sure he would have continued kissing Magnus for the first time for a whole lot longer, savoring the taste of him after fantasizing about it for so long, and relishing in the easy way his lips molded against his own. It was hard breaking away from him, and the moment he had was when reality had rushed in to worry at him like a thousand disapproving whispers. Though he would have kissed him again without hesitation if his parents hadn’t come storming towards them a little later. And he would have kissed him once more had Lydia not been hurt.

The night he’d apologized for lashing out at Magnus when he was worrying about Jace, he’d have happily sat there and talked to him for hours on that balcony, if duty hadn’t called him to be elsewhere. And when he’d woken in Magnus’ apartment when he’d been brought back from that stranded place when he’d tried to track Jace through their parabatai rune, he’d wanted just a little time to just _be_ with Magnus. Instead there’d been that rush back to the Institute with Jace being on trial, and a hollow feeling pulsing in his chest for Magnus not being around.

The evening on the balcony after Jocelyn, that interrupted kiss after their first date, the night they’d come back from their date in Tokyo and had been making out on the couch before a call from the Institute came in; each moment was hard for Alec to walk away from. And the better he got to know Magnus, the deeper he fell in love with him, the harder it was to leave, taking longer and striking harder each time.  

Bracketing Magnus between his arms against the couch one lazy morning, an unhurried stirring of his hips between his thighs, was when he’d first confessed that feeling to Magnus.

“Every time I’ve gotta go, it’s getting harder to leave you,” he’d whispered, staring down at him so Magnus would see the honesty of his words in his eyes.

“Every time you leave, it’s getting harder to watch you go,” Magnus had confessed, his hand up to cradle the back of his head, and the love that had surged in his heart for hearing that had Alec sure he could win any battle, counter any argument, soar and thrive in everything, because he had Magnus’ love.

They’d gone back to bed then, Alec silencing his phone willing to deal with the wrath of the rest of the world later, sinking gratefully into Magnus’ arms.

A few months later when Magnus had decided to redecorate his apartment, Alec had found a photo of them wedged in the corner of a framed painting, echoing his own smile staring back up at him for how happy he’d been in the moment it was taken. He’d wandered through with it clutched between his fingers and come to a complete standstill, watching a shirtless Magnus flourishing his magic as he changed the furnishings and layout of the room, calling over his shoulder for Alec’s opinion every so often and humming in approval when he came to stand behind him, leaning back against his chest for support.

“Magnus, this is perfect,” he’d said, feeling that Magnus might have reached into his mind to pick out things he’d thought would look good in the apartment, or whether it was just because of how intimately he knew him.  

“It’s perfect because you’re here,” Magnus had countered, turning in his arms, snagging the photo from his hand as he did and humming at the picture with a smile. “We should frame this. Enlarge it. Put it up somewhere,”

“We could,” Alec had agreed, sighing his way into a kiss and sagging into Magnus’ warmth. “You make it so hard to leave,”

Magnus had pulled back from him a little to stare up at his face in thought, dropped his hand from where it had been wrapped around his back to snap behind him, then pulling away from Alec and pressing something cold into his hand.

“So don’t go,” Magnus had whispered, audibly sucking in a breath and holding it, as Alec had unfurled his fingers to reveal a key laid flat on his palm.  

Alec’s heart had threatened to pound its way out his chest in excitement, and the laughter and happiness spilling from them both when he lifted Magnus up to spin he was sure he was still hearing echoes of, months after he’d officially moved in.  

A year passed, perhaps another, time stacking up against them measured in moments of love and tenderness between them. The world outside went on around them, work duties tried and failed to pull them apart, and no matter what happened, every morning started and evening ended, as much as was possible, exactly the same; in each other’s arms, cocooned in the warmth of knowing with full certainty that this was where they belonged.  

In rare moments alone in the apartment, Alec found his fingers tracing patterns along their bookshelves, occasionally pulling tomes down to read a passage, becoming absorbed in their words for a moment before slotting them back in place. His eyes lingered over pieces of furniture and trinkets with more years of history than even Magnus, imagining their stories and wondering how close he got them to the truth.  

And those moments occasionally gave way to darker thoughts. The unspoken divide between them that was mortality, the passage of time being the only thing that could rip them apart. He saw it sometimes in Magnus’ eyes, felt it in the grip of his hands around his arms, a desperate yearning kind of look that pleaded with him not to go. Alec loathed the thought of being the one to hurt Magnus by leaving, but could do nothing about it, and so that look he did his best to chase away with kisses and hugs, until Magnus was smiling again.

But he thought about it. More frequently than he thought Magnus might when he was on his own, and more starkly for every near miss there was on missions, or when either one of them got hurt. And the pain of leaving Magnus behind became a crushing weight for Alec, worse for the stretch of silence about it between them, succeeding in souring his mood for more and more seconds whenever he allowed the thought to creep in.  

Those tomes began to attract his attention, taken down from shelves for longer and longer periods, taking pictures of things he didn’t understand to study later, even going to see Catarina on his own to discuss his burgeoning plans. The air had crackled around her when she’d stared back at him in utter astonishment, her words thickening with emotion, and her eyes demanding that he not look away.

“You’re serious,” she’d asked in a loud whisper, clutching a book from her own shelves to help him decipher something from one of the pictures in Magnus’.

“I don’t think it’s possible to be more serious. I’m not leaving him; not if I don’t have to,”

Alec had no idea anyone could hug him as hard as Catarina had then, with quiet, thankful words in his ear for the love he had for her friend.

And on a crisp winter’s evening after insisting that they go somewhere for dinner, huddling into one another on their balcony with steaming mugs of hot buttered rum to hand, they stare out over the city and up at the stars, as Alec thinks about all these moments from their past together and rehearses the words he’s been practicing for weeks. In truth probably months.

“Magnus,” he whispers to draw his attention, wrapping an arm tight around his waist, “you got a minute?”

Magnus tilts his head to look up at him in surprise, a curious smile curving up his lips. “I’m all yours,”

“See, that’s the thing,” Alec says, spinning them so that they’re facing, pushing a strand of hair away from Magnus’ forehead then cupping his face, “I always wanna be yours,”

“You always will be,” Magnus replies, that surprise on his face growing a little.

“But I won’t be,” Alec says, shaking his head and ducking a little to kiss him, “Magnus, I won’t be. Not like this,”

“Like what?”

“Magnus,” Alec huffs out, telling himself not to get impatient, knowing it’s just an expression of his own nerves but not wanting the tone of it to come out wrong. “Like this. Mortal,”

“Alexander,” Magnus smiles, and it’s a bittersweet one that has his heart panging, “forgive me for being… selfish. I know this is a discussion that will continue to come up for us; one we need to talk about... at some point, and cannot avoid. But we are having such a beautiful evening; would it be so awful of me to ask that we talk about this another time?”

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, stepping back and slipping Magnus’ glass from his fingers to put both glasses on the table beside them, then crowding back against him, cupping his face and kissing him hard.

“Alexander,” Magnus says, panting a little from the force of that kiss once Alec pulls back, “are you okay?”

“Yes,” he says, laughing, “just… stay there for me, okay? Just give me one second,” then waits until Magnus nods before all but running inside, charging through to their bedroom and sliding open a drawer to pull out the multi-bookmarked book he’d borrowed from Catarina, then taking it outside.

“What’s this?”

“This,” Alec says, shaking the book softly towards him, “is me saying I _want_ to be yours for always. This, if you want it, of course, is me saying that I love you, and I wanna keep loving you—wanna _be_ here, to love you, forever,” and Alec presses the book into his hands then, watching him beginning to turn the pages.

“This is… Catarina’s handwriting,” Magnus says softly with his finger stroking down over one of the marked pages, sounding a little confused, then turning back to the cover of it and looking up at Alec, “and this is Catarina’s book,”

“It is,” Alec admits, smiling, “but I got the idea from a couple of yours. Went to talk to her about it,”

“Talk about what, Alexander?” Magnus asks, and to Alec’s dismay he sounds worried; which was the last thing he wanted for this evening.

“Magnus,” he says, distracting him with another kiss and dropping their foreheads together in what he hopes is reassurance, “I’m not… good at this. I want… can you just… here, read this,” and he gently turns the page to what he thinks will make what he’s meaning clearer, will hopefully be the quickest thing to uncrease the lines from Magnus’ face.  

Alec holds his breath as Magnus reads, willing him to read faster, or look up, or do anything at all.  

“Alexander,” he says softly after an agonizing few minutes, “this is a spell that would make you immortal,”

“It is,” Alec agrees, suddenly hit by an onslaught of doubt. Has he wrongly assumed that Magnus would even want that with him? Has Magnus already decided he’ll love Alec for the duration of his lifetime then continue to go on without him? Is he selfish for ever thinking Magnus might want him that long?

“When did you speak to Catarina?” Magnus asks, which feels like an out of nowhere question.

“Uh… about a month ago?” Alec replies, sure he could confirm that in hours and minutes if asked; he’s been planning this for such a long time.

“That explains a lot,” Magnus huffs to himself, with an expression on his face that is soft, fond, and something else that Alec can’t interpret at all.

“Magnus?”

“It’s cold,” he announces then, turning from Alec and picking up his glass, snapping his fingers over it so that when he pushes it into Alec’s hand it’s heated up again, then does the same with his own, “let’s go back inside,”

“Okay,” and Alec trails behind Magnus, staring at the book still clutched in his hand, following and turning his head from side to side watching Magnus carelessly flare his fingers to turn out lights and in their place light candles, leading him to sit on the couch. And they sit in silence for a few moments as they sip at their drinks, with Alec’s heart fluttering in protest for whatever is about to happen.

“I have something for you,” Magnus tells him as he stands, pushing both their glasses to the table, and Alec watches as Magnus disappears from the room, returning a moment later with a small vial, filled with a glittering black liquid, that fits in the width of his palm. He pushes it into Alec’s hand and sinks down beside him, and Alec raises it up to inspect, watching the way it shimmers and sticks to the inside of the glass.

“What is it?”

“It’s a potion. Obviously,” Magnus adds, laughing at himself, “that I brewed with Catarina’s assistance on this very couch,”

“What’s it for?” Alec asks, swirling the bottle and thinking it looks a lot like the color of one of Magnus’ favorite nail polishes.

“Alexander,” Magnus sighs, though there’s a smile to it, and Alec feels Magnus’ hand slide into his against his lap. He turns to look at him and immediately receives a kiss, then is alarmed when Magnus drops his head down into his neck and trembles there.

“Magnus? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, Alexander,” Magnus says as he lifts his head to look at him, though there are tears brightening his eyes, “everything is, in fact, wonderful,”

“Magn—”

“This is a potion I intended to… to _offer_ you next week,” Magnus tells him, cutting him off, “on the anniversary of the first time you told me you loved me,” and Alec is hit with a wall of guilt for not remembering such things. He’s been with Magnus for however long he’s been with Magnus, and marking it in time is _not_ something he cares to think about.

“Okay,” he says anyway, pushing that guilt away to concentrate on whatever Magnus is trying to tell him.

“I thought it… it seemed important; symbolic, even. But then, you have always been so certain that you loved me,” Magnus says, his voice cracking a little and in awe.

“I _do_ love you,” Alec assures him, leaning in for a kiss, holding the vial tight for not knowing what will happen if it spills.  

“As I love you,” Magnus replies, then leans in for another kiss.

“So… what’s this about?”

Magnus’ smile for him then is so wide, and so loving, that all those tendrils of doubt and concern that had begun to grip around Alec’s heart begin to slip away, and Alec tells himself to be patient, let Magnus get his words out.

“The thing is,” Magnus says, swallowing with a little difficulty as he plucks the vial from Alec’s fingers and holds it up to inspect, “this… I wanted to… for a long time now, I have been thinking, in private, how _desperate_ I am for you not to leave me,”

“I don’t wanna leave you,” Alec tells him, reaching out to tangle their fingers together, “that’s why I—”

“Why you went to Catarina to ask for help with this spell,” Magnus finishes for him, a look of pure disbelief filling his face as he shakes his head.

“Yes,”

“You never once considered that I would willingly give up my immortality for you, Alexander? That I would happily give that up to grow old by your side?” Magnus asks softly, his voice cracking again as he slowly shakes the vial.

“That’s… that’s what this is?” Alec asks, his heart pounding for the thought of it. Magnus is timeless; how could he ever imagine him growing old? He wants to snatch the vial and throw it far away from him so there’s no chance of it happening, scared it might contaminate Magnus just by being that close to his skin.

“It is,” Magnus replies, his lips pursed together as he swirls the vial.

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, leaning in to kiss him, taking the vial delicately by its neck and pushing it far away on the table, “why would I… why would I, in effect, want you to _die_ for me, when I can live for _you_?”

Magnus’ lip trembles; Alec reaches out to wrap him up in his arms and feels a shaky breath against his shoulder. “I should have known,” he mumbles there, “for all of Catarina’s reluctance. I should have _known_ she knew something that she wasn’t telling me,”

“I asked her not to,” Alec whispers, running a soothing hand over his back, “I wanted… I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to get it right, to… find the right thing to say to you. But I… Magnus, I… I guess I’ve been overthinking it so much, I didn’t get to say anything at all,”

“Are you sure you want this?” Magnus asks, cupping his face and lifting the book up from the other side of the couch to rest against his thigh. “You understand what this means. Immortality,”

“It means I get forever with you,” Alec smiles, lacing their fingers together over the book. “It means I get to… that you don’t have to be alone anymore. I don’t… the thought of leaving you on your own, Magnus, I… I hate it,”

“As do I,” Magnus replies, struggling to keep his voice steady. “That’s why I thought that if I—”

“And if… maybe I can help make some kind of difference to… I don’t know. The Downworlders. The Shadow World—all of it, if I’m round long enough to help make things happen,” he adds quickly. Because that’s something he’s been thinking a lot about too; the kind of changes he wants to implement don’t stand much of a chance of holding up in the short term, with too many different opinions and clashing personalities. But with time—a lot more time, he really does think they can make a difference. Make things better for everyone. A happy consequence of choosing to spend forever by Magnus’ side.   

“That… I would also like to be part of a catalyst to make a difference in our world,” Magnus agrees, looking at Alec in such awe that it’s hard to snatch his eyes away. “But aside from that. Very far from that; for purely selfish reasons,” Magnus adds, swallowing thickly, and blinking back tears. “I love you, Alexander. And for every day that we are together, every moment you give me of your time; it is getting harder and harder to ever imagine you leaving me. I do not want to be without you,”

Alec smiles back. Curls his fingers around the book to push on to the table for them to discuss the when and where of the spell later, then straddles Magnus’ lap without warning. Hooking his elbows over his shoulders as he leans down to kiss him. Sinking in to Magnus’ warmth. “Magnus, you won’t be,” he whispers, smiling, “you won’t be; I promise. I won’t go,”

 


End file.
